I feel like I haven’t been on here in forever! I’ve just had absolutely no time; what else is old. I’m actually supposed to be doing some Spanish homework right now but I needed a break.

So I was thinking, I really want to show off my poems. I think what I’m going to do is put up a different poem each time I come on and tell you why I originally wrote the poem and, if there are any, some thoughts on how it relates to my life now.

This poem is called “Like a Leech”. I wrote this 3 years ago and last year I amped it up a little. I orginally wrote it because I liked someone who was in on of my classes and let’s just say he wasn’t the most “clean” person. He did a lot of drugs and slacked off in school. I could never get him out of my head though because he was so funny and adorable. Whenever I talked to him my day was better; I just felt that I shouldn’t like someone who didn’t have the best record.

Like a Leech

 

It seems as if I can’t let go.
Like a worm on a fish hook,
A leech on skin,
moss on a rock.

I want to, but I struggle to be free.
I struggle to be free of the feeling.
This feeling that should not be there.
This feeling – it is clinging.
Glued to my heart.
Suctioned my soul.
It can’t part from me.
It won’t let go.

If I want to let go,
then why can’t I?
Why can’t I let go of this feeling;
This disgraceful sensation?
Maybe, my heart doesn’t want to.

If that’s the truth,

then that heart doesn’t belong to me.

 

Relating this poem, I finally had my first boyfriend this year for about 5 weeks or so. I’ve known him for a little over a year now and we didn’t start going out until the end of this past November. I think some of the feelings went away, or we weren’t as compatible relationship wise as we thought, so I decided to break up with him. This was around the first week of January.  These past few days I have been missing him. I miss him telling me I’m beautiful, stroking my hair, kissing me, and all that. I really want to let go because I know that I don’t feel a connection when I’m with him, but I can’t get him out of my head, nevermind my dreams.

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So I was looking through some old files on my computer trying to clear it out a bit because it’s really slow and I came across a poem I wrote for my English class last year. We had to pick a color and write a list of about 25 things that involved that color; then we had to put those things into a poem. I thought this would be a relevant post because it is about dreams:

Dreaming in Yellow

 

The yellow morning blinds her as she tried to awake

From her long restless night

Of vivid dreams –

Her memories.

 

100 degrees on a hot summer day,

The pale and tart lemonade –

Tempting.

 

Electric lightening strikes the lone tree branches

That reside in an immeasurable meadow

Ruined by a single golden dandelion

a pure yellow raincoat,

 a pair of galoshes

Shine.

 

Rows of corn – the hopes and dreams of a farmer

Surrounded by hens and their chicks

That hatched from eggs –

Could have been yolks

For breakfast…

 

A childhood companion, Sammy

The most loyal golden retriever

Watch out for yellow snow.

Playing in a garden of sunflowers

He loves me, he loves me not

Amiable, fuzzy, yellow

Bumblebees.

 

The glimmering golden glow of two thin candles

Sitting upon a restaurant table in the night

A couple sits, clasping hands – smiling

Their love reflecting on ring fingers –

Golden bands.

 

Unaccompanied on a theater stage

A dazzling yellow spotlight

Pierces the eyes

Blinded.

 

The night before she had fallen asleep,

White-yellow stars bring hope

As a Ticonderoga scratches

On clean white paper

A full moon.

 

She pulls her yellow tainted fleece blanket

Back over her slender face and golden curls

So that she will be able to go back

To those memories

Not her own.

So today I was doing homework (what else is old!) and my kitty, Simba, was in the best spot to take pictures so I decided to have a mini photo shoot. I really would love to be a photographer for a magazine some day – that is if I’m not writing for one.    🙂

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I must say, this is very pensive…

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longing for the outside

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My kitty has a fat butt!

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“There’s another kitty outside! I must go get it…but I’m too lazy, so I’ll just stare it don’t evilly.”

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Awwww, look at that priceless face.

 

Haha, so now you have met my kitty.  He is the subject of most of my photos so you will most likely see him again 🙂

It’s hard being a senior in high school.  I have so many responsibilities: work, homework, exams, extra curricular activities, officership of those activities, applying for scholarships, and the biggie: applying to, and getting into, college.

I am completely FREAKING OUT and no one is getting it.  Not my parents who get mad at me when I’m stressed and get a little “snappy”, not my sister who doesn’t know how to not be the center of attention, not annoying underclassmen who can’t seem to answer a freakin’ email once in a while so that our club can get organized, not the teachers who think that we have no other life outside of their particular class, not the guys who never seem to notice that I exist, and not my friends who never seem to know when I’m in a bad mood and never ask if I’m ok.

So this is how I feel right now:

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dscf2267I have many dreams.  One is to never be alone.  Right now this dream is just a dream.  I feel like no one understands me or can really hear what I have to say. 

                                                                                                                                     

Sometimes it even feels like I don’t have any true friends.  I don’t have anyone that I can call my best friend that I go to with all of my problems and it doesn’t seem to me like anyone feels that way about me either.

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I’ve had one boyfriend for a little over a month, but he was more like a friend.  I’ve never had that feeling of loving someone so deeply that I would be able to stay with him forever or even for an elongated amount of time. Not having this feeling makes me feel depressed on occasions. I dream to find some soon; I have to because, in the words of Nickleback, “there’s gotta be somebody for me out there”…

Past Dreams